Thieving tricksy AOL has the new trailer — and we wants it!\n    Can’t get any screen grabs from it, can’t find the link for the broadband version, but the official site has a link to the dial-up version.
    That link should hold me for now, but the official site will be offering a QuickTime version of the trailer tomorrow (Monday night) at this same time.
    Updates:: Ain’t It Cool News now has the link to AOL’s higher quality RealVideo version.
    I also found out how to get screen grabs. It’s as simple as turning off hardware acceleration on my video card. (Hroom hoom, and I thought it was some sneaky encryption thingy with the RealVideo files.)


    8:30 PM: The official site already has their download page online. However, tauntingly, the links are not active.

Back in the day, I used to assist TV’s Bob Zahari, host of Maclean Hunter’s The Sportsdesk, in the creation of his Top Ten Lists (which were obviously inspired by David Letterman). It’s been a while since I wrote one of these, but here goes…

Top Ten Good Things About Being Fat

      10.   When driving, stomach acts as secondary air bag.
        9.   No need for buttock enhancement surgery.
        8.   Friends never at a loss for cruel nicknames.
        7.   Fast food proprieters know you by name.
        6.   Larger rear end means you can carry armchairs and still have your hands free.
        5.   Distended stomach gives private parts extra privacy.
        4.   Constant threat of heart attack gives every day an exciting uncertainty.
        3.   Widened belly button provides extra storage space.
        2.   Come Summer time, bigger belly flops.

And the number one good thing about being fat…

        1.   Mathematically speaking, you’re twice the person anybody else is.

    As my unplanned experiments in weight gain continue, I’m noticing an increased difficulty in cutting my toenails. My expanding flesh makes it not only nearly impossible to reach my feet but also to see my feet. I suppose I should just ask someone else to perform this chore for me, but for whatever reason other people do not seem to want to associate with me. This has forced me to try various alternatives, some good some bad.
    One initial option was coercing one of the wandering neighborhood dogs to assist me. This was a painful and gruesome mistake, and, looking back at it now, I really should’ve known better. It’s just a good thing I’m so sedentary since this keeps me off the bloody stumps which were my feet. The second misguided option was putting my toes against a belt sander. This works fairly well, actually; but the drawback is that the sparks are rather hypnotic and they can distract me from knowing when to pull my toes away. Probably the method I found most successful, and which I sort of learned by default, is to simply wear two pairs of socks. This is good cosmetically, if for whatever reason I need to remove my shoes in public; as well as being good emotionally, since it keeps my mind off my toenails.
    I hope these observations might be of use to you; and if you have any of your own suggestions, feel free to share them.

    Because of continued allegations from a rival website (which shall go unnamed), and because of a desperate need to bury the two creepy images below and get them off my main page, I have chosen this time to publish a response. I was not in Chicago on the weekend of the 21st. My […]

    All these years we thought Michael Jackson was scientifically transfiguring himself into the likeness of a very pale Diana Ross. I recently uncovered the true method to his madness. Jackson is in fact transmogrifying himself into a young Stephen King!
    This proves conclusively that Jackson is more gorped in the head than we thought. And that Entertainment Weekly does have its uses after all.

    Update: following up on this breaking story, UPI reporters asked Jackson for his response. He is said to have shifted a small child from his lap, giggled like a ninny, put a mask over his mouth, and thanked them profusely for giving him the “best selling, master of horror” award.

    P.S. I apologize most sincerely to a certain subsection of my audience for posting an image of Michael Jackson on this site.

Gosh, I love the awards shows.

  • I sort of would have preferred if no “9/11” shows were in competition for an Emmy, but the one award that bugs me out of this subset is best sound mixing for 9/11. The show is comprised of footage shot with camcorders, so how can someone win for simply editing “nat sound”? Shouldn’t the award really go to the makers of Sony microphones?\n
  • The Osbournes wins for best reality program?! The Osbournes are not winners, they are a blight on mankind and I invite the lot of them to [bleep] the [bleep] out of my [bleep]ing [bleep].
  • I can understand the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympic Games in Salt Lake City getting a lighting award, since the event had to be specially lit for television — but best costumes? Does this mean if NBC hadn’t been there the dancers would’ve been in the street clothes?\n
  • Moving on to the E! pre-show. It only took two interviews for Joan Rivers to screw up, citing Dulé Hill as being nominated for Best Actress in a Series.
  • Overall I was rather disappointed in Conan O’Brien. His monologue fell flat. There were flashes of wit (such as the bit with Jennifer Aniston and the Telestrated seating chart), but what stands out in my memory in how deliberately slow he was in his delivery; as if he was remembering some old lessons from Speech 101.
  • Actually the funniest lines were from presenter Jon Stewart. [“The director of a comedy series has a week, seven days, to take 30 pages of script, a jaded veteran ensemble, a binder of network executive notes and bring them all together for one simple purpose: to get themselves a film commitment and out of the hell that is episodic television.
        Does it happen? No. Some snot-nosed trust fund kid with two rap videos under his belt, he gets a three pictures from New Line. — But you? Nawww. You’re stuck slogging away in the mines on your eighth Tim Curry pilot.”] I vote the Academy gets Jon Stewart to host next year.
  • I was very pleased to see John Spencer win for best supporting actor on The West Wing. He is excellent on that show and I’ve been a fan since L.A. Law.
  • The first big disappointment was in the comedy writing category. Normally I would be rooting for Late Show with David Letterman, but I was secretly hoping The Daily Show would get it because their nightly topical humor is usually spot on and hilarious. Unfortunately, SNL got the award.
  • But the biggest disappointment was in the Outstanding Performance for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program category. Wayne Brady might be more versatile, but no one is funnier (and on command, no less) than Ryan Stiles. For some lame-ass reason the Academy gave the award to Sting, for playing the part of Sting. Yeah, tough gig, Sting; I’m amazed you pulled it off.
  • The night’s big shocker for me was the fifth consecutive win for Late Show with David Letterman. Dave is of course The Man, but I wouldn’t’ve minded either if The Daily Show might’ve gotten it.
  • HBO’s The Gathering Storm received several awards tonight, making me regret having completely forgotten to watch it.
  • The touching moment of the night was seeing the men of “E” Company rejoicing over the win for Band of Brothers, followed by Major Dick Winters’s short and moving acceptance speech.
  • I don’t watch Everybody Loves Raymond that much, but the cast certainly had the funniest acceptance speeches.
  • I know everybody’s been saying how great Friends has been; to me, the last season seemed rather average. Nevertheless, it’s about time it won, even though earlier seasons were more deserving. And it’s about time Jennifer Aniston won too (and the same goes for Matt LeBlanc and Matthew Perry).
  • Jennifer Aniston looked quite pretty, as did Kristin Davis.
  • Allison Janney is so good on The West Wing, her character is so strong, that I’m surprised to be reminded this is her first win as Best Actress.
  • This was supposed to be the year of the rookies. New shows like Six Feet Under, 24, Alias, The Shield received nominations in several major categories. This got everyone’s hopes up that the Academy would be much more adventurous; however the actual voting was very conservative. I’m not complaining though. I’m glad The West Wing won. It’s a superior show with excellent writing and sparkling performances. Plus, I’m sick of hearing about Six Feet Under. So there. (Of course, my TV viewing is pretty much set in its way too.)

According to this National Geographic story, paleontologists in China have uncovered the 128-million-year-old remains of the first known dinosaur nerd. The remains were found in a dark, isolated area, as if the creature had been ostracized from its community. Scientists surmise this newest species probably died out from an inability to acquire mates. It is believed the dinosaur was weak, timid, lacking in social skills, and probably picked last in organized dinosaur team sports.

    As so often happens when I’m sitting around shooting the breeze with my imaginary friends, the subject turned to old TV shows, specifically old cartoons. Unlike my friend Chrondar, Lord of the Goatpeople, I don’t really have any favorites. Sure, I watched cartoons, but I don’t recall particularly liking any, or thinking back fondly on any. I remember watching Johnny Quest, Scooby Doo, Speed Racer. and Kimba the White Lion, but recent glances ar these shows reveal them to be really crappy. (Looney Tunes don’t really count since they’re such a standard and weren’t intended for TV anyway.)
    Discussing this further with Giselle, my imaginary French girlfriend (she thinks we Americans are foolish, by the way), I realized that what I really liked about those kid shows were the theme songs. In some cases, the theme songs were pretty much my whole reason for watching those shows (like the only reason I used to watch Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp was for the swirly psychadelic effects on the episode titles). One series I particularly liked was on WXON channel 20, in the afternoon. It show cartoons based on different Marvel superheroes. The animation was practically nonexistent, but I like each different superhero’s theme song.
    And I spent all tonight searching the Internet for copies of those songs. I put together this RealPlayer slideshow of those songs. And I might post some other favorites later.
    P.S. I was going to say my one favorite show I used to watch in the mornings was The Dick Van Dyke Show which channel 9 in Windsor (CBET) used to play; but it just occurred to me that I forgot all about Rocky and Bullwinkle, which is witty and silly enough to still be very enjoyable.
    Update: for those who hate RealVideo files, I redid the Super Heroes Medley as a QuickTime MOV, below…’

Not showing up?  Try here.

My doctor is concerned I’m too heavy for my height. So I’ve decided to measure myself by width. I’m really enjoying Comedy Central’s idea to replay Late Night with Conan O’Brien at 7:00 PM EST. (This is a great boon since our Detroit NBC affiliate airs Conan some time around two in the morning because […]